Systemic Couples Therapy and Sex Counseling

Philosophy and Approach

“Being in a good relationship is like dancing.
In a joined movement each partner maintains their own balance.”

Angela Lorenzen

Systemic Couples Therapy and Personal Evolvement

Systemic couples therapy has its focus on the dynamics between people. With the help of differentiation, it aims at the personal development of each partner. What does that mean?

Let’s keep our focus on dancing. How you move with your partner – that is the systemic perspective. If your movements are fluent, dynamic, harmonious, light, thoughtful, rhythmic … Then all these aspects define your very special dance. And then there is you and your partner and individuals. With another partner, your dance would surely be different. The same applies to your partner. And if you develop yourself further – for example by practicing yoga now – your dancing style will change, possibly become more graceful which in return will cause your partner to react differently. Because your personal development brings a new impulse to your dance – into your relationship. This can pose a challenge for your partner. Or maybe a welcome turnaround. Either way, your partner – due to your impulse – will change slightly as well. If that is not the case because your partner is heading in a different direction, for example, tensions will build up within the relationship. Couples therapy, which also considers the personal development of the partners, follows the principle of differentiation, as introduced by David Schnarch, a renowned couple therapist and author from the USA.

Sex counseling

In couples therapy, the sexuality is oftentimes only marginally touched. I personally believe that to be negligent. While there are more important aspects to a relationship than a fascinating love life – such as shared values, for example – a relationship can get exposed to external influences or might erode slowly if the partners struggle with a crisis in this area. A brief analysis of the sexual satisfaction of each partner should be part of couples counseling. That way, disturbing factors which are hidden beneath the surface can be found and considered. And if sexuality is not something the couple struggles with, it has at least been cleared up and allows one to completely devote oneself to the actual cause.

However, if the partners do wish for change in the field of sexuality, then this aspect is to be approached differently than the areas of trust, conflict, communication or a common aim in the couple’s life. All these topics usually require a profound foundation of similarities shared by the couple.

When it comes to sexuality, that is different. Although it is also an interaction – it works better when the partners are “wired” differently. Therefore, strategies in this field require for the respective individuality of the partners to be strengthened. The more my partner is in unison with himself. The more he does “his thing”. The more self-confident I perceive him and the more “different” he is in comparison to me, the more desirable he – or she – becomes to me. This aspect was long ignored when it came to couples therapy. This principle is called polarity and aims to encourage the conscious polarity in a relationship. Because sexual attraction emerges from tension. And tension arises not only from difference but also distance. The otherwise proven strategy of “doing more together” is not enough to build up tension nor does it revive the passion in the relationship. In this case, something else is required.

Once desire has been revived – or even when it had never been gone – the question arises, if you want similar things in regard to your sexuality, seeing as this is not always the case. In this instance, it is all about expanding the possible spectrum of the partners. The varieties of erotic love are as colorful as a bouquet of flowers and needs and desires have a tendency to change over time. These days, it makes sense to take a closer look and explore what could provide you both with joy. Here, sex counseling merges into sex coaching.

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“A good partnership is the haven where we can find both: as much security as we seek and as much freedom as we need.”

Henriette Hanke

Sounds like a dream, doesn’t it? Though, the question is – how can one achieve that? Is it even possible to do something to build a “good partnership” or is that only a possibility with the “right” partner? And what about love? I’ll come back to that at the end of this text. Let’s take a look at the practical aspects first.

The initial situation: you are in a partnership, either married or unmarried, and you know that you cannot go on like THIS. Maybe you have been talking about the same topics over and over again for the past few years – without being able to figure out a solution. Or a new situation has emerged that challenges your partnership.

The exciting question is: Could I, could we have done anything differently? Is this about guilt? About right and wrong?

What is it really all about?

A systemic couples therapy offers the possibility to discover the essence behind the actions and arguments. The thing that it’s really all about. And sometimes you even get to understand yourself better in the course of a couples counseling.

Because conflicts within the partnership always entail something quite personal. It’s not just about togetherness but also about myself. Do I know what I want and need, did I communicate that clearly? Set boundaries? Requested the space that is important to me? And how can couples counseling help in that regard?

The third person acts as a catalyst for when you engage in conversation. Oftentimes, old topics are provided with new solutions and sometimes it even happens that you see your partner in a different light and find to each other again once reaching a new level. If you are looking for a new beginning or just want to figure out joined possibilities, then couples counseling is a good idea. Couples counseling combined with sex counseling is also helpful when it comes to questions revolving around the rediscovery of passion in love.

And now we are finally talking about it – love. Built on the foundation of a solid partnership in which both partners give each other what they need willingly, love can grow, because …

“Love is a child of freedom”

French proverb